"Stop whining! I know he's bigger than you, but you still have to play him...."

"But....."

"I really shouldn't have eaten those beans for lunch...."

"Oh, man! Did I really marry this guy?
But, better he gets rid of it now than watching the bed covers rise and fall all night...."

"Just one more little drinky and I'll be able to climb up into this BIG chair where nobody can see me...."

"Is this where I stand to serve?"

"Dis isa Romano Grillotti from Italia. I'm outta here inna da shrubbery. Itsa hot as hell outta here. Where'sa da courta uno?. De sweats a pourin froma my armpits walkin round anda round...."

"It wasn't me! It may have looked like me and sounded like me, but it definitely wasn't me!"

"It was him!"

"Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your racquet.... This one just don't work no more...."

How many umpires does it take to screw in a microphone? Just one, as long as he has the right equipment - a sticky tongue...!

"And this is the new signal we're going to use when you're almost sure the ball was out.... Just turn your hand backwards and forwards a little..."

"You wanna know how I got the name Smashnova?
Just call another one of my balls out..!"

"How does he do that? Balancing that little coin on the end of his finger. These umpires are so talented...."

...but despite the constant abuse from the players and the ever present fear of a Tennis.info photographer lurking nearby....

....these umpires still manage to get it right (well, most of the time) and even manage an occasional smile to make it seem as though they actually do enjoy their job....

... a smile that may well be quickly removed after reading this page....!